Brooks Keeper League I – Power
Rankings – Week 5
Welcome to the Week 5 Power Rankings.
After one month of play, Chase has begun to separate himself from the
pack, while it’s anyone’s game at the bottom half of the league. In rankings news, in an effort to produce
more balanced coverage and give more opportunities for you guys to get involved,
we were thinking the write up for my position in the rankings will have a guest
writer every week. I’ll start a poll in
the league message boards and look for volunteers if you guys are down,
otherwise our esteemed commissioner will provide the analysis for my ranking
this week. Good luck to all in Week 5
and here are your rankings:
(N/C = no change in rankings, ↑# = up in rankings, ↓# = down)
1.
Chase:
Taste the Vindication (4-0, N/C) – Jimmy Graham is 5th
on the total points scored and is ahead of every running back in the
league. I usually hate taking the top
tight end in the first couple rounds; biggest upside is they act like a top
WR. But Graham has scored 6 TDs and over
20 points a week since week 2. Don’t
forget that guy Peyton Manning, who still manages to get the other team riled
up for Papa
John’s
while he torches the league for 119 total fantasy points in 4 weeks. Chase was butt hurt because I didn’t say his
team was perfect, but you can start fucking dying Steve
Jobs
at flex and it wouldn’t matter with this team. I’m skeptical Chase gets the
same record setting months he’s gotten so far, but kudos are due for the best
team in the league and it’s bad news for Ryan’s team this week.
Best Player (this week): Manning
Biggest Disappointment: Steve
Jobs
2.
Jake:
Jim Irsay’s Fantasy Team (3-1, ↑1) – I think we’ve reached the point in the evolution of the NFL
and fantasy football where it is perfectly OK to assume that Jim Irsay traded
for Trent Richardson because it would benefit his fantasy team more than
anything. Some non-tangible pick in next
year’s draft for better fantasy production from his RBs? You betcha. Trent isn’t good or anything; he still
averages 2.9 a carry. The difference is Irsay screaming from the owner’s box
for some goal line carries so he can talk shit to Bud Adams at the next owner’s
meeting. I knew something was amiss with
Jake’s team when I asked him how many more points he needed to win this week,
and he said “I
need about tree fiddy.” It was about that time that I realized it
wasn’t Jake, but it was damn Jim Irsay looking for some god damn money. I was hoping he’d leave us alone, but Kevin
gave him a dollar.
BP: Matt
Ryan, Cruz
BD: DeSean,
Rice
3.
Taylor:
Chips “I’m leaving for USC” McCoy (3-1, ↓1) – As fast as the offense was and
came on to the scene, Chip Kelly will take his offense to Long Beach. Or LA,
whatever ghetto USC calls home. While
they’re just rumors,
I think Kelly would be wise to jump ship.
He wouldn’t be the first white head coach to jump ship when Mike
Vick fucked up.
The gimmick of fast offense only works in college where points allowed
don’t matter, and this Eagles D is second to last in points allowed. As much as this offense has helped McCoy’s
fantasy production, the Eagles might be worn down by week 10. Luckily, Taylor has Aaron Rodgers and Cobb for
the rest of the season to carry the load and won’t have to start guys like
Hairy Douglas. Sounds
like a sex position for Christ’s sake. Also congrats on the first TE score in
garbage time from C.
Clay.
BP: Torrey
Smith
BD: Mike
Wallace, Da Bears
4.
Nick:
Jack Welker (3-1, ↑2) – This week’s white supremacy is brought to you by Jack
Welker (no spoilers), everyone’s favorite Nazi on Breaking
Bad. Just a shout out to the end of a
great series. People don’t know this, but he’s actually based off of Wes
Welker’s biological Nazi father. True
story. In honor of his father and White’s
everywhere, Welker put up another 2 TDs (6 on the season), and putting Nick’s
team up as a legitimate contender.
Reggie Bush coming back for a home division game is just what this team
(and
the Lions) needed. Not
looking forward to playing this team going forward.
BP: Tony
G
BD:
Rod Streater
5.
Kevin: “I Should Have Been #2”
(2-2, N/C) – Sometimes I wonder
if our commissioner even likes to play Fantasy Football. He’ll draft a pretty good team, then by week
2 he’s sitting everyone and not starting guys like Philip Rivers despite being
the third best fantasy QB in the league.
What
a waste of white skin.
Kevin COULD have beat Chase, but he starts goose eggers like Bernard
Pierce and leaves Rivers and Powell on the bench. There’s hope going forward that he could put
together a good stretch of games for the playoffs (if he starts the right
people), but I don’t like his chances without a white person in charge and
Alfred Morris getting hurt. Special
shout out to Jake Locker, who looked good for 4 games this season and every
season.
BP: Titans
D
BD:
Bernard
6.
Mike:
They Would Ride Brees’ Coattails, That’s What (2-2, ↑4) – If you’re ever going to draft an
entire team for your fantasy football squad, grabbing the Saints offense with
Sean Payton at the helm isn’t a bad idea.
Lacking the feeling that he was actually Sean Payton himself, Mike
traded for some 12
year old kid who plays running back for the Saints
and proceeded to win the past couple weeks.
He’s still the third lowest scoring team in the league and won week 3
with a 69 point day, but god dammit Mike deserves some credit! It’s like he’s starting Steelers D and Ridley
on purpose and saying “Fuck you, I don’t need talent.” Mike’s got his dick in
his hand and he isn’t afraid to use it, look out leaderboard.
BP:
Drew Brees
BD:
Are the Steelers even considered disappointing anymore? It’s pretty much expected at this point.
7.
Jordan:
Stinktown, U.S.A (2-2, ↓3) – It’s official folks, this team stinks! Worse than Jordan’s
farts! Okay maybe not that stinky, but after scoring 77pts this week, Everybody
Loves Romo is the only team in the league yet to score over 100pts this
season. With underperforming RBs and WRs with awful QBs, things are not
looking good for this team. While this team does have the potential to
score 100+ pts with Forte, Gio and CJ in the backfield, I’m just not sure that
his receivers will do enough each week to keep this team competitive.
BP: Matt
Forte, Romo
BD:
Chris Johnson doesn’t deserve 2k
8.
Derrick:
AP All Day Isn’t Enough (1-3, ↓1) – Tough month overall for the Price brothers, Derrick has had
it the worse than every team here. Tied
for 3rd in points scored, Derrick has 1-3 to show for it. Every year there is typically one team that
puts up 90 points a week but happens to get scored on the most and can’t win
shit. Ladies and Gentlemen, Derrick’s
2013 fantasy football year! Cam will be
back next week and Gronks couldn’t come back soon enough, but Derrick needs
wins now. If he can turn it around
against Chips McCoy, we could see someone being upset in the playoffs because
they got beaten by a team starting Ben Jarvis Jew Parents.
BP: APAD
BD:
BJJP
9.
Anton:
Me Likely Wasted Efforts (1-3, N/C) – Anton pretty much doubled his points this week after
stinking it up the first 3 weeks, and he still lost. The worst part is that there wasn’t really
anything more he could do. He started a
D with a good matchup, Dezzy and Gates both got theirs, and it just wasn’t
enough. Sadly, I think this is the best
he’ll do all season. He peaked without
ever being successful.
Tough luck. The only other thing
more disappointing than this team is the T.Y. – Luck connection, as Pep
Hamilton’s new offense has dinked and dunked its way into America’s heart. Not good looking forward for T.Y.
BP: Colts
D
BD:
T.Y. Hilton
10.
Mark:
The Red Team (1-3, ↑1) – When you ride your first win on the shoulders of Nate
Washington, you know you’re climbing up on these rankings. The
ref couldn’t even stop Nate this week, as he plowed his way
to two scores. There isn’t really much
to like about this team, and I don’t see Mark making the playoffs, but at least
he is trying. Sitting Vjax and Bowe
while juggling kickers, Mark is pulling out all the stops. There may be no championship rings in Mark’s
future, but he’s going to spoil some seasons when it comes playoff time.
BP: Nate
Washington
BD:
MJD
11.
Ryan:
Mystery of Matt’s Disappearance (1-3, ↑1) – What’s the cure for going
0-3? Getting put at the bottom of this
ranking while going up against Matt! As
much as we would like revel in the misery that is Ryan’s team, he finally got a
fantasy day worthy of Arian Foster. After
Foster though, there isn’t really much reason to be celebrating. It’s like celebrating
being a successful actor but you haven’t put out a decent
reviewed movie that wasn’t a cartoon in like 6 years. The parade ends this week as Ryan begins his
1-12 journey with a matchup against Chase’s team.
BP: Matt
Kirsten
BD:
Hakeem Nicks
12.
Matt:
I Love Cereal With Juice (1-3, ↓4) – The best part for
being put last in the rankings is that typically the last place team wins the
next week. That trend could continue
with Matt’s matchup with Anton. It also
could end this week because Matt’s team is a rancid piece of shit. Matt could have technically won this week
with the right starts, but he likes to sit Andre Johnson and start inactive
running backs instead of Danny Woodhead.
You know why Pead was inactive for the Rams? Because the Rams wanted to
give more carries to their 175 pound WR.
You know how I know your RB sucks? Because he gets benched for 175 pound
WRs. In brighter news, Matt’s team
scored their first Rushing TD of the season, congrats Matt Stafford (he fumbled
on the play too).
BP: Stafford?
BD:
Matt Kirsten
GIFS of the Week
Weekly
Awards
Player (of the week) – Brees
(Brees)
Start – Nate Washington
(Kaep)
Bad Start – Pead (CJ)
Good Sit – Vjax (Kaep)
Bad Sit – Philip Rivers
(ALF),
Comeback – Mike and the
Saints
Most Points – Riley
Coops
Margin of Victory – Urinal
Deuce over Matt
Bounce back Player – Victor
Cruz (Conky)
Week
5 Picks (Last week 3-3, Season 10-8)
Brees
over
Kaep
Rainbow
over Deuce
Conks
over Romo
McCoy
over AP
Rookies
over
CJ
MATCHUP
OF THE WEEK
Alf
over Klan
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