Brooks Keeper League I – Power
Rankings – Week 6
Welcome to the Week 6 Power Rankings.
Down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier! Another exciting week in the books
as we saw the end of our last undefeated team (good run). This week’s guest writer for my rankings was
Jake. I’ll take on any volunteers for
whoever wants to write my write-up for the week, but I’m going to give dibs to
whoever is playing me this week. This
week I play Ryan, so he gets dibs. If I
don’t hear anything back or I’m too lazy to respond, Kev will fill in. But enough of that, this week we had shitty
Matt Schaub, a Romo vs Manning shootout, and tons of message board shit talking
to recap! Let’s get to it!
(N/C = no change in rankings, ↑# = up in rankings, ↓# = down)
1.
Chase:
Taste the Urinal Cakes (4-1, N/C) – What’s the matter?
Can’t score over 100 points? BOOO HOOOO.
Of course I’m kidding, Chase and his team of Super
Best Friends put up another solid outing, but it
just wasn’t enough to take down Ryan starting every Rams player in their juicy
Jags matchup. It was bound to happen at
some point, but it doesn’t detract from the fact this is still the best team in
the league. As long as Manning isn’t on
a bye, I know I have to score 100+ to beat Chase, and probably more if Jimmy
scores a TD. However, it comes down to
this week’s matchup vs Conky to see if Chase can hold down the top spot and
recover from last week’s loss.
Best Player (this week): Manning
Biggest Disappointment: Boldin
2.
Jake:
Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers (4-1,
N/C) – There’s some sneaky
goodness to this team that I can’t pinpoint.
Jake’s not low in total points or starting really atrocious players, but
I’m never scared of his team and I wonder how he’ll get even close to 100 every
week. But it really doesn’t matter what
I think, because the numbers say he’s #2 and that he beat me by 2 this
week. I know I win if Matt Ryan doesn’t
throw that last TD or I tinker with my lineup one last time before game day,
but I really lost when I started Tony Romo.
But wait Jordan, didn’t Romo throw for 5 TDs and was the top QB of the
week? Ya, well he also likes to throw -2
point picks at the end of the game and make every Cowboys/Romo fan go through
the four
stages of Romo.
Good win for Jake and I better see some sneaky goodness next week vs
Chase.
BD: Cruz
3.
Taylor:
Chips “Oh Wait, The NFC East is Free Pickings” McCoy
(4-1, N/C) – When I mentioned
the possibility of Chip leaving for USC, I forgot to account for the fact that
he currently coaches in the NFC East, the college ranks of the NFL. The Eagles took it to the lowly Giants and
Eliza Manning, who looks more haggard
than the ladies down at Colfax
Point. He looks like he just got done shooting the latest
season of Game of Thrones (Eliza is definitely a Theon). Oh yeah, don’t forget Taylor almost lost this
week to Derrick and Jack
Jizz Rodgers, but a win’s a win. If you can still put up 87 points when Aaron
Rodgers is playing subpar, you’re better than you look that week. The consolation game of the week goes to
Taylor Vs. Kev, battle to see who would
still easily lose to Chase.
BP: I’m
giving this to Clay, he is performing at a high level for a team that had no TE
(Miami and Taylor’s team!)
BD: Bears
D fuckin sucks.
4.
Kevin: King Alf The Tinkerer
(3-2, ↑1) – Kevin was up in the
morning before everyone this week when he picked up Zac Stacy from the
festering wound of a backfield that is the Rams. I hope Ray Rice goes down and Bernard tears
it up just to spite you…and Jake. Kevin
has an overall solid team, as his bench is usually filled with starters that
are just being sat because Kevin sucks.
And while I talk shit every week on which QB Kev should start, he
actually listens to me and starts
the wrong one. Also, somehow Reggie Wayne finds the
bench on Kev’s single digit team when Wayne does stuff like
this. Side Note: Richard Sherman is just OK. He is not that much cheese.
BP: Jewlius
Thomas
5.
Nick:
John Wayne (3-2, ↓1)
– ““I believe in white
supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility. I don’t feel
guilty about the fact that five or ten generations ago these people were
slaves”. What an American. This week’s
great American White Supremacist is none other than John Wayne! Don’t forget to call Homeland Security next
time you see a black guy at John Wayne Airport!
Anyways, Nick’s team is pretty good, but he really reminds me of the
Patriots. In fact, Nick’s team, his loss
this week, the 2013 Patriots, and Tom Brady can all be summed up in one
nice gif. Tom
needs to start tying his shoe laces if he’s going to keep taking coverage sacks.
Also, you gotta start any defense that is going up against Matt Schaub, the guy
is Mr. Pick Six. Bonus points for drafting
Fred Jackson and having him actually pan out.
BP: Fred
Jackson
BD:
Nick’s shitty WR of the week
6.
Anton:
Me Likely New Team Name (2-3, ↑3) – Look out, Anton has scored back to back 100+ weeks and has
arguably the 2nd
best QB in the AFC, well, on his bench. I did like the Hoyer start though before he
died though. Also, as soon as I talked
shit on T.Y Hilton, he gave us a flash back and a flash forward of what’s to
come. It’s a good thing Anton likey WRs,
because his RBs suck toad choad. Lamar
Miller scored fewer points than Brian Hoyer’s 25 yard day. It also sucks that he wasted a good fantasy
outing on Matt’s team, but at least it’s becoming a log jam for the last two
playoff spots and Anton is seeing some consistency. He can really separate himself with a win
over Mark this week.
BP: TY
very much Hilton
BD:
Lamar
7.
Ryan:
Mystery of How Ryan’s Team Keeps This Up (2-3, ↑4) – Ryan is going to make me waste
his section of the power rankings after this glorious win over Chase to
elaborate on what power rankings accomplish and how they work. Rankings are a look in at the current state
of each team and where I can rightly place them based off wins, total points,
and who they beat that week. Mike moved
up because he beat my underachieving ass, but Derrick, like the Falcons, was
1-3 and now 1-4. I’m PREDICTING on where
I think people belong and where they’re heading, and while Derrick’s team is
way better than half the teams, I can’t move him up until he actually beats
somebody. Just because some ass clowns
leave the Falcons in their PR at #7, doesn’t mean I weigh teams with that same
consideration. NEXT week’s rankings will rightly sort themselves out, as Mike
will continue to plummet from his spot if he continues to suck, and Ryan moves
up more for beating Chase than for beating Matt. Not to mention, putting Mike at #6 calls for
more shit talking, and Mike reacts as badly to shit talking as
Luther does to bad news (it should skip to :52).
Good
win for Ryan as he was the top scorer this week. Sadly, all his players come back from bye,
and his team will go back to sucking.
BP: Sam
Mother Fucking Bradford
BD:
Jared “I Got You To Believe” Cook
8.
Jordan:
Out of The Closet Romo (2-3, ↓1): Just like for the Cowboys, Romo can’t finish for the W. Although the Romocoaster finally was at a fun
loopy-loop (40pts), it seemed as though the rookies weren’t tall enough for the
ride with Austin and Giovanni combing for 7 pts. Not to mention, poor Fitzgerald must still be
haunted by George
Lucas and Steven Spielberg. For once it would have been best
to start a Blackman… or mon… or man… Whatever,
fuck you! All the trash talk been said, Everybody Loves Romo
reached the 100 mark for the first time but lost. Who the hell is this Conky and
how the hell does he keep doing it?
BP: Romo
BD:
Tavon
9.
Mark:
Gingervitis
(2-3, ↑1) – Mark gets the move
up with a win over Mike this week as Knowshon becomes the star of his
team. I think the official trade grade
can be released now, as Mark earned himself an A- and a starting RB with double
digit carries and 4 TDs in 4 games. Mike gets a B- for correctly valuing Dwayne
Bowe but jumping ship on Knowshon after the first week. I’d maybe consider Mark’s
team good if Kaep wasn’t as underwhelming as a new GTA game. Mark has a chance at playoff contention with
a matchup vs. Anton this week, and an even juicier matchup for Knowshon against
the Jags. Things are looking up for the
red team!
BP: Knowshon
BD:
Bowe
10.
Mike:
What Would Knowshon Do If You Traded Him? (2-3, ↓4) – Hey! Mike started a defense that
wasn’t the Steelers and actually was rewarded for it! Who would have
thought? That being said, if Mike wasn’t
forced by a Steelers’ bye week to make the switch, I bet he would have started
them anyways and totaled out around 50 points.
In a battle between the only two teams to trade this season, Mike ate a
big bowl of Knowshon dick as his Saints played a real team this week and
Sproles and Colston were held to 6 points combined. If you’re going to ride one QB and his team
the whole year, Drew Brees is a good option. You just may want to get his best
target as well. I hear Jimmy Graham is
pretty good. Luckily, Mike plays Matt
this week and will likely move up with the rest of the 3-3 teams.
BP:
Cards D
BD:
Eddie “7 Points Since You Picked Me Up” Royal
11.
Derrick:
AP All Day Off (1-4, ↓3) – The enigma. Power
Rankings wouldn’t be needed if teams like Derrick didn’t exist. You would just click on points for, give a
thumbs up to the top 5, and a point and a laugh at the bottom 4. Despite being in the top 5 in points scored,
Derrick hasn’t put up over 100 since week 1, his last win. Derrick was also pretty stoked when Cam fell
to him in the draft, but sadly it turned out that
it was for good reason.
The good news for Derrick is AP has no more bye weeks, Alshon Jeffery is
turning into a top 10 WR (fantasy wise), and Gronks may be on the horizon. He also has the #1 D in the league by a wide
margin. Derrick just needs to fix the
part where he’s 1-4 after being the only losing team that has scored more than
it has given up.
BP: Jacquizzz
BD:
Everyone left on the bench.
12.
Matt:
I Love Christian Jazz (1-4, N/C) – After 5 weeks, I think we can definitely say we have a
worst team in the league! I believe Matt
is our first back to back bottom
bitch, and he held on tight to it with a 60 point
day. Generally, Matt’s team doesn’t seem
so bad; he’s just getting shafted on injuries and production from his big
guys. Debating to start Spiller, the
only back that seems to do better with LESS carries, must be maddening. Matt is really having a bad time. Having said that, Matt still sucks, and I’m
not allowing him to start the Falcons D anymore until he can tell me at least 1
starting LB on that defense. Don’t
bother looking it up, I’m not even sure myself.
BP: I
can’t believe Stafford is still your best player
BD:
Matt Kirsten
GIFS of the Week
Weekly
Awards
Player (of the week) – Romo!
(Homo)
Start – Austin Pettis (Deuce)
Bad Start – Hoyer (Me
Likey)
Good Sit – Ridley (considering
the options) (Breesus)
Bad Sit – Niners D (Klan),
Comeback – Conky
(second straight comeback on me)
Most Points – Urinal
Deuces
Margin of Victory – Anyone
over Matt
Bounce back Player – Ray
Rice (Conky)
Week
5 Picks (Last week 4-2, Season 14-10)
Brees
over
CJs
Romo
over
Poops
McCoy
over Alf
Me
Likey over Kaep
MATCHUP
OF THE WEEK
Rainbow
over Conky
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